


I Couldn't Help but Ask for You to Say it All Again

by Anonymous



Series: Forever and Ever My Brother, Hail and Farewell [3]
Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Honestly i just needed these two to have time together to mourn, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery, References to Depression, well more like a hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 20:13:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14552652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The words stood in the air for a moment and she almost felt stuck by them, unable to move towards the door despite her promise. The moment passed almost as quickly as it had come however and she found herself walking through the eerie silence, grabbing her still steaming tea and heading towards the doorway when,“I can’t remember him Tess.”





	I Couldn't Help but Ask for You to Say it All Again

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the pintrest post  
> https://pin.it/3bnna5nzdshaqc  
> This has been stuck in my head for MONTHS, and took me nearly four to write. I had to get it out though, and I'm finally happy with how it turned out. Hope you enjoy :)  
> (Title from Saturn by Sleeping at last AKA the song that made me write this)

She started to notice it a couple months after he had come back.    
Those months were bliss, the feeling of finally being able to fully be with Jem with no fear of health, doom, nor heartbreak was indescribably overwhelming. They spent the first few weeks just wrapped up in one another, laying in bed and just being. The idea of boredom never crossed her mind as she knew it didn’t his either, both of them had had enough to do for many lifetimes.    
It was this enamored feeling though that she blamed for her not noticing it earlier. The look Jem would get when he was left to his thoughts for too long, distant and regretful. She noticed it for the first time about 6 months after he had returned.   
They had been cuddling together on the couch, watching some historical documentary. They were Jem’s favourites, as he would say that despite living through many of those moments he never got the chance to fully experience or understand them in the Silent City. The films allowed him to connect more to the world he was slowly getting used to once again being a part of.   
She had stood up to get the two of them some tea, and as she made her way back into the living room she stopped. Jem was still staring at the screen, but his eyes seemed to be blank and unseeing. Tessa moved forward slowly and set the two mugs down on the table sat in front of the television. She moved towards the couch and kneeled in front of it, laying her hand lightly across Jem’s cheek.   
“Jem? Are you alright?” She spoke hesitantly, searching his face for a sign of what could be troubling him.   
He seemed to startle out of the trance he’s been in, eye blurring for a second before they focused on her face. He noticed her concern and a smile moved onto his face, though it didn’t seem to reach his eyes,   
“Fine Tess, just thinking about how far technology has come,” he gestured towards the screen where a man was using a large lensed camera to photograph the area around him, “I’m still not sure I believe that that’s what cameras look like now.”   
He was avoiding, she knew, but didn’t push him. Instead she agreed and they discussed the other ways in which the world had changed since what they considered “their time” as she laid against his chest once again. She couldn't help but glance at his face every couple minutes but the look didn’t return.   
At least not that night.

  
The next time she noticed it was after Magnus had visited a few days later. They had gone out to a downworlder diner nearby, taking the time to just talk. It was refreshing, being able to spend time with Magnus without having to dwell on any topics of urgency. Instead she asked him questions about Alec and the adoption process and he asked them about how they were settling. It was not the first time that they had met up, he had actually made a point of coming by multiple times since Jem’s return, but in those moments Tessa had always focused on the joy in her loves face during such visits, as he slowly came to accept he hadn’t lost all that was dear to him. However, during the walk home this time she took a moment to study his face after the visit. The way that the joy seemed to dim, draining slowly from his eyes as he stared straight ahead of him. He didn’t falter in his step, and she had never thought anything of their silence, had always valued their ability to sit in comfortable silence but still feel connected. But this felt different.    
She slowed her pace, lost in her own thoughts. Had he always been like this and she hadn't noticed? Was this the first time it had happened? Was it the shock of seeing that some things hadn’t changed?    
_ Or maybe you don’t remember him as well as you think _   
That doubt was pushed quickly to the deepest and darkest part of her mind.   
“He looks happy.”   
Jem spoke into the silence that had blanketed over them since they had left the diner. Tessa looked towards him but he didn’t return her gaze. He stopped suddenly, jerking her backwards at the drastic change in pace by her hand that he still held in his. He still didn’t look at her, now staring at their joined hands.   
“He seems more at peace, less closed off then he did in ou-,” He stopped, “Then he did.”    
Tessa took a step towards him so that they were closer, wrapping her arm around his waist and leaning into his side,   
“He’s made a big difference here, been given the chance to actually work with the clave. Its allowed him to be happier.”   
They fell into silence again, though this time it was more comfortable. She didn’t feel the need to fill it, was content moving her thumb up and down the side of Jem’s hip bone. There was no one around, as they tended to take the roads in the less populated areas for their walks. She was about to lean away from him to continue their walk when he spoke once again,   
“Love suits him”   
She glanced up at him to see that he was already looking at her, gaze soft and fond. Leaning upwards with a light blush she kissed him softly on the cheek, returning his fond smile.   
She thought of the shadow hunter that had seemed to have run head first into Magnus’s life. She’d only met Alec a couple of times, but Magnus did seem to light up more whenever he was in the room.    
“They really do seem to be meant for each other.” She responded   
He nodded and then dropped her gaze, his eyes moving away from hers for what felt like the millionth time in the last couple minutes. His gaze didn’t seem to focus anywhere, instead becoming more faded and unfocused. Tessa recognized the look as the same one from a couple nights ago, and took a deep breath. She didn't want to discourage him from speaking about what was troubling him this time, so instead she allowed herself to relax into their silence as she had many times before, leaning back into his solid embrace.   
Minutes passed in silence. A car or two passed by them, but they stayed where they were. After nearly fifteen minutes had passed without a word or a step between them Tessa was beginning to worry. She was about to abandon her attempt at silent encouragement when Jem spoke,   
“He looks a lot like him. Alec does I mean,” His voice faltered for a moment and he finally looked towards her face unsure, almost panicked, “At least I think, I think he does, he does doesn’t he?”   
There was no need to ask who He was, and Jem knew that. She smiled sadly and nodded, the bitter sweet emotions that always came with His mention bubbling up inside her,   
“Yea, he does Jem” She responded.   
He nodded in affirmation, seeming relieved by this confirmation. Sensing that his mind was calm once more Tessa loosened her grip on his waist and moved her hand to wrap around his elbow,   
“Shall we continue?” She asked, smiling up at him   
He returned her smile and then continued on their way.   
  
The final time she noticed it she knew she had to do something. They had been sitting in the kitchen, Tessa listening to Jem talk happily about how his meeting with the young Castairs girl had gone, Emma. They had met with each other quite a few times since the end of the Dark War and she could tell that he was becoming attached to the young girl.  He seemed unable to keep a grin off his face as he described her, how outgoing and smart she seemed to be, how happy she had been to meet and get to talk to a living relative. His smile had saddened at that point, but Tessa could tell it was bittersweet. She knew that if anyone was to take on a mentor stance in this girl’s life that Jem would be perfect. The girl likely needed someone to guide her, and from what Jem had told her she didn’t seem to have much of that in her life,    
“Though her Parabatai, Jullian, seems to be a good match for her. I didn’t get to speak with him much before, but today I could see the balance that they provided each other.” He looked at her for a moment, contemplating, “His parents are gone as well. It truly is odd isn’t it? How orphans always seem to be drawn to one another?.”   
Tessa pause for a moment surprised by the sudden change in conversation, “I think it’s only natural to seek out and be drawn to someone who understands.” she said, “Someone you know you’ll never have to explain it to, that’ll just get it. That’s one of the reasons you’re going to be an outstanding mentor for her, she won’t ever have to worry about you understanding.”   
He blushed lightly at the compliment and smiled at her. “I do hope so.”   
Their conversation moved on from Emma then, moving into the other parts of their day and their plans for the week. Tessa stood up from the table to move towards their kettle on the counter, turning towards the cupboard where they kept the tea as she spoke about the book she had started the night before,   
“I wasn’t sure about it at first, it’s gotten good reviews so far but it seems rather cliché”   
She shrugged as she watched steam start to billow from the top of the kettle,   
“The characters are quite genuine though so I’m giving it a chance. After this one though I want to reread something I think, something classic. Any ideas?”   
She awaited Jem’s reply patiently as she poured the water into her mug, moving to plop the tea bag into the steaming liquid. Jem was not the biggest reader but she had convinced him to read a few classics, and he had heard her reviews and summaries enough times to be able to discuss them with her. When a couple seconds had passed and he still hadn’t responded she turned around to face him, smile on her face,    
“Trust me I know it’s a hard decision but you don’t need to thi-”   
The words caught in her throat when she finally took a look at Jem. The smile that had been blooming across her face dropped quickly and she sighed, placing her mug on the counter.

“The Look” as she had now dubbed it was back, and she was even more confused than she had been the last few times. She didn’t understand what was causing it, nor why it seemed to come on with no warning or for no reason, only that she wanted it to stop. It wasn’t fair that Jem needed to suffer anymore, he’d done his time, gone through his trials, and she couldn’t comprehend why fate couldn’t leave the man alone.   
She silenced her thoughts quickly however and set her mug down, moving towards Jem so that she could grab his hand once again. It did not matter how unfair it seemed to be, dwelling on it would not help it stop.   
She kept one hand on his and moved the other to his cheek, moving her thumb slowly across his cheekbone,

“Jem? Jem love can you look at me?” She asked, trying to keep her voice calm.

The distant look remained and he didn’t respond. Her grip on his hand tightened and the pitch of her voice seemed to rise as she tried to get him to look at her,

“Jem please, whats wrong? I-I don’t understand, please just look at me love, please.” 

Her voice hitched at the end and she felt close to tears. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a breath in an attempt to calm herself when she felt him squeeze her hand back and her eyes shot open. He was looking at her finally, but his eyes were wide and full of unexpressed sorrow and she felt the panic returning. She didn’t  _ understand _ this sadness that seemed to come from nowhere and she felt completely useless without any understanding of  _ why. _ He continued to stare at her, unshed tears visible at the edge of his eyes but none fell. The words left her mouth before she could think them through,

“What’s wrong Jem, I don’t understand”   
He opened his mouth as if to speak but no words came out, only air. He slowly shut his mouth and took a deep breath through his nose, seemingly in an attempt to calm his own nerves. Then she watched as a mask fell across his features and he had the audacity to  _ smile at her, _

“Nothing is wrong Tess, I was just thinking that’s all.” He reassured, seeming to believe that she would be deceived by his mask, as if she would be convinced for even a millisecond. Her eyes hardened and she pulled her hands away from his,

“You really think I can’t tell when your upset? After all this time you think you can just smile and tell me your okay and I’ll just let it go?!?” She said, the worry that still laced her voice quickly becoming intertwined with frustration. His expression didn’t change, 

“Tessa I told you I’m fine.” he repeated, frustration now starting to coat his voice as well,“Please, let’s just continue to talk about your book, you were saying it ha-”

“Jem I love you.” She interrupted him, on the edge of desperation,, “I’ve loved you for  _ centuries _ and will continue to love you for centuries to come. Whatever it is I want to walk alongside you with it, not watch from the sidelines. Please tell me, whats wrong?”

“No. I’ve told you it was nothing, now leave it.”   
His voice was hard in a way she very rarely heard it, dismissing her concerns in a way that was very unlike him. It reminded her of a time from  _ before _ , of a time when illness and hardship had made him unable to fully trust her. She stood up in frustration, giving up on keep  her voice calm, giving up on trying to hide her frustration and fear,

“FINE. Fine, don’t tell me. Add one more secret to the many that we’ve had to keep, add one more problem to the pile we already have to deal with. I’m done with this. I’m done with secrets. I’m going to bed. Tell me when you want to talk like an actual functioning couple”

She cringed internally at her own words before they had even crossed her lips, knowing they would be harmful to him even before she saw the obvious hurt cross his face. She turned quickly away from him so that she didn’t have to see the hurt shift back to anger, and yet he didn’t respond. Jem had always been the mediator, even in his own battles, he had always been much better than Tessa at knowing when enough was enough. The words stood in the air for a moment and she almost felt stuck by them, unable to move towards the door despite her promise. The moment passed almost as quickly as it had come however and she found herself walking through the eerie silence, grabbing her still steaming tea and heading towards the doorway when,

  
“I can’t remember him Tess.”

  
She stopped abruptly in the hall, unmoving. Her eyes were drawn quickly to him but she couldn’t see his face, eyes staring resolutely at his hands. The silence between them was deafening for a moment before he continued, a barrage of words tumbling from his lips,   
“ I can’t remember his laugh, or the slope of his nose or the way he’d tilt his head when he was planning something completely idiotic.” He smiled softly for a moment, before some horror seemed to wash across his face and his head jerked towards Tessa,   
“Tess, Tessa I can’t remember his smile. His  _ smile _ . “ His voice cracked at the end of the word and he shut his mouth quickly, taking a moment to calm his breathing before continuing,   
“ It wasn’t even a smile most of the time was it?” He asked, seemingly to himself, “He was always hiding so much from me, from everyone, keeping it all trapped away so far inside him that I think sometimes even he forgot about it.” He paused, “ I hope he smiled more with you Tess.” The first genuine smile of the night crossed his face as he finally looked at her, really looked at her,   
“There’s no doubt in my mind that he smiled every moment that he was with you.”

His words hit her hard and she staggered slightly, her tea spilling onto her arm. She hissed in pain at the burn and jerked the mug onto the counter. Tears stung at her eyes and she brought her hand to her mouth in an attempt to suppress the sob that threatened to cross her lips. 

The pain of loss was too real sometimes, something that “came and went like a wave” as Magnus would describe. Sometimes it had been and would be all consuming, something that could prevent her from leaving the house for days at a time and sometimes it was just an almost forgotten memory that she held at the back of her mind, always there but not pushing forwards. Magnus had been the one to come alongside her after Will had died, and stayed along with her as she faced the reality of outliving her friends, her children and her grandchildren, because he  _ understood. _ He was one of the few things that had kept her sane through the constant barrage of loss, the one thing in her life that could remain constant and for the first hundred years she had grasped him as a life line.

She stared at Jem, his form shaking lightly with tears and a realization washed over her.  _ No one had done that for him _ . Sure, since Jems return they had spoke briefly of the past, but she had assumed he would not want to dwell on it. She had selfishly assumed that it wouldn’t affect him as much, not the way it had her. He hadn’t seen everyone’s deaths first hand she had told herself, he was still mortal and would live a normal life span, his grief wouldn’t be as bad so he would be fine. And yet he so obviously was not. 

All those emotions she had dealt with at the beginning, the pain, the fear, the absolute despair- he had been bottling them up alone for the past 6 months with no way to dispel them.

She took a step towards him then hesitated. Would her help even be appreciated at this point? After she had gone so long without realizing what was truely bothering him?   
And yet wasn’t that the same selfish attitude that had gotten her here in the first place?

She moved towards him again, this time with more purpose. She stopped in front of him and knelt down cupping his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. He starred back with tear filled eyes and she couldn’t help but wrap an arm around his shoulder and pull him towards her. He came easily, like a fallen leaf as he slipped off the chair and into her arms, body shuddering as he began to sob. She rubbed his back soothingly, ignoring her own tears as she whispered thoughtful words to him,

“I’m here, love I’m here just let go now okay? It’s okay to let go now.”

She didn’t know how long they sat like that, her arms around him as he gasped and cried into her shoulder, her tears mingling with his. The time didn’t matter, she knew she would sit for any amount of hours with him if it meant that some amount of healing could occur.

Like a storm his tears seemed to swell and dispel without pattern. There  were moments when she would believe that he had calmed, when he would suddenly grasp her shirt tighter and begin to shake once again. Time passed in a blur as they sat on the kitchen floor, but eventually, after much time had passed, Jem had calmed and began to speak. At first quiet whispers and declarations of love that she would return without hesitation. Then the subject of his words shifted as he began to confide in her all that had been streaming through his mind in the last few months. He spoke about the elation he had felt when he was finally cured, but also the fear that had accompanied it at not only being tossed into a world he did not recognize, but into a world that was in the middle of a war. He spoke about how difficult it had been to stop himself from going to her right away, and at this she grasped him tighter. Then he spoke of the joy of their reunion, of the months they had spent together and of the peace he had felt. He paused then seeming to be considering his word carefully,

“I was so happy, and yet it felt...wrong. As if, I’m not sure how to say it. It was as if…”

“As if something was missing.” She finished for him, knowing too well what he had felt. She felt it too since the day she had found out that he would be living in the silent city. Had felt it deepen when Will died, and again and again as more and more of those she loved passed. 

He nodded silently.

“I don’t think that feeling ever goes away. It does ease, as you begin to heal, but never fully disappears.”   
“I’m not sure if I would want it to.” He responded slowly, “I hate it, I hate it with every fibre of my being  and yet if it fully disappeared I feel like I would be letting them all go, and I don’t want to do that.”

“I don’t either” She agreed, moving so that he was no longer laying across her and was instead sitting across from her so that she could ensure he would hear and understand what she was about to say,

“But not letting it go is not the same as clinging to it. If you cling to it that void can consume you, pull you down until you no longer see the point of continuing day to day.” Her voice cracked at the end and she looked down. He squeezed her hand,

“Did that happen to you Tessa?”

She shook her head slightly, the movement barely noticable,

“I couldn’t handle it because it never seemed to stop.” Her voice was calm, though her hand shook slightly. It was something that she had thought about and discussed with Magnus enough to have come to peace with, but it still seemed to shake her whenever she began to speak about it,

“Between you and Will I had some time, but after Will it was just  _ constant.  _ Constant despair and constant death and it nothing seemed to change except for the fact that each time it happened I felt more and more lost. But I had support.” She paused, wanting to make sure that Jem understood what she was trying to get across, “That didn’t happen because I had people to support me, people who made a point of checking in on me and asking me questions and listening. Because they knew what could happen. And yet despite all that help and all that mentorship I somehow wasn’t able to give that back to you!”

Her voice hit a crescendo as she spoke, almost screaming by the end. She looked at Jem helplessly as she tried to regain her composure,

“Tess, Tessa it’s alrig-”   
“No it’s not!” She snapped, startling him, “Jem it’s not okay for me to not have noticed, for me to have done nothing all this time. I know your heart, but I also know mine. I’ve done wrong, but I’m going to work to fix it.”   
She reached out her hands for his and stood, pulling him to her feet with her. Once they were both upright she pulled him into a hug, crushing him towards her and burying her head into his neck. They stood there for a few moments before she pulled away to look at him. 

“I know this is sudden but,” She paused, seeming to be searching for the right words, “I still have his wedding ring. He wore it almost constantly. I know it’s old but I think it may still work? I can-I can try if you’d like. Only if you’d like.” 

He stared at her in confusion for a moment before realization seemed to dawn across his face,

“Tessa, you don’t...that’s not….you don’t have to do that. 

She smiled fondly up at him, smoothing her thumb against his cheek, “It’s not something I’ve ever been able to bring myself to do.” She started, continuing before he could cut her off with more protests,

“That’s not to say it’s something I couldn’t handle Jem, it’s been so long that I think any amount of nearness to him would bring me more joy than sorrow, it just never felt right. Never felt like the timing was correct. But it does now.  If that is something you believe could help, something you could handle, I’d be more than willing.”

After she had finished she drew away from him slightly, wanting to give him some time to think about her proposal. He however, seemed not to need the time. His hand moved to her cheeks when he pulled her towards him, moving to kiss her softly. He took his time, drawing out each push and pull until they became short of breath and he pulled away slightly, giving him enough room to speak,

“If that would be something you were willing to give me love, it would mean the world to me.”

She nodded slightly, actually drawing away this time to move towards their bedroom where the ring was kept.

“Wait for me in the living room and I’ll be there in a moment.”

He nodded to her and they separated, him towards the front of their apartment and her towards the back. He sat on the couch, taking a moment to contemplate what was about to happen. He didn’t know what to expect, how it would make him feel when he finally got to see Will again. The love he held for his parabatai was something he couldn’t explain, so similar and yet so very different from the love he held for Tessa. The strength was the same, the ability to make him feel the most profound emotions, the most intense amounts of joy, frustration and sorrow was the same. So he knew that in the moment he saw his one love shift into his other would bring in him some of the most intense emotion he may ever experience. Yet there was no way to predict just which emotion it would be.

The wait wasn’t long, and soon Tessa was entering their living room and moving towards the couch, sitting beside him and taking his hands.

“You don’t need to do this,” She said, eyes searching his for any sign of doubt, “I don’t want to do anything that could hurt you.”

He shook his head at her fondly,

“Tessa I’m sure. I think this is something that could truly help the both of us.”

She nodded and moved to take the ring from her pocket, eyes seeming to glaze over slightly as she gazed at it for a moment, running it over her fingers. She took a breath then, readying herself before she shut her eyes and a look of concentration crossed her features. 

She strained slightly, searching through the dark that had consumed her from the moment her eyes had shut for a trace of anything Will had left behind. It had been so long since the ring itself had been on his finger, longer than anything she had ever attempted before. This felt different though. She felt a connection the moment the ring hit her fingers, a bond that had begun to form with her before she had even attempted to create one herself. She grasped that bond with her mind and began to struggle with it, trying to follow it to any part of Will that she could find. It was like a maze in her mind, twisting and turning in ways she’d never experience with past connections, and after many minutes she was ready to give up. Then, suddenly light hit her like a punch to the face and she physically staggered, felt herself nearly fall off the couch before Jem stabilized her, hands grasping her shoulders. One final push and she was through, felt the shift pass over her and she gasped, sagging into Jems arms.

The emotions were uncontrollable, washing over her at a speed her mind couldn't handle, constantly moving, constantly repeating as if they were worried they wouldn’t be heard,

_ Tessa Tessa Tessa Love love love love, Tessa I love Jem Tessa Jem Tessa Happy? Please happy please. Jem cry? _

It was that final thought that finally gave her enough courage to open her eyes, to look at Jem. He was staring at her in complete awe, tears streaming from his face that he didn’t even seem to notice, as if he was trying to commit every moment to memory.   
The thoughts hadn’t stopped, a constant stream of love and affection that she could hear so clearly in Wills voice but she couldn’t bring herself to speak aloud, not yet. There would be time for that, later in the night, perhaps another night all together when she knew that those words were something Jem was ready for. Tonight however, she drew Jem into her arms and listened to him speak,

“Thank you, thank you, I love you I  _ love _ you both. I miss you so much Will, so much.” 

Together, all three of them, they would heal.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Someone cry with me about how these three deserved better.


End file.
